Yep, I hit the "D" word yesterday. Felt it rising up in me during class with the lump in my throat and the need to force other neutral, pleasant thoughts into my head to control its release. I did not stay and study after classs as usual - just went straight home...
...and had a pity party.
But what was I crying about anyway? Back to the fear equation: if I can't grasp the current material, I will not be able to grasp the next material, which leads to getting behind and never catching up.
I studied hard last night - but did not study well. Too much time on important stuff but not what was essential for today. Took the quiz later than ever, at 10:45. And yes, it was hard. Too hard, which told me I have a weak grasp of it. The verb tenses are getting jumbled, the vocab is slipping. Then I had to study the new material for today and do workbook exercises... Short night.
Woke this morning and sat where I meet the Lord each morning during this saga (my "closet" is in the office which is where I study; can't meet there!). And here's the marvelous thing: I felt his grace in a powerful way. This is not Pollyanna stuff; no mental gymnastics. But pure grace. My spirits lifted - just being in his presence. Have I mentioned imaging his hand on my shoulder? That was so strong this morning! And as I sat there just worshipping him, he brought to mind some things he has "taken care of" in the last two days while I have been out of the office.
From the dephts. They have taken me to the heights.
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